-21 Days: Three Weeks and Counting

In three weeks, I'll be back in St. Andrews. 

I leave Halifax on the 7th and arrive in Glasgow early on the 8th, meaning that by mid afternoon I'll be installed once again in St. Andrews. I'm hoping the jet-lag won't be too severe, as I'm arriving in the middle of Freshers' week and I'll already have missed a number of events, so I'd rather not miss more. It'll be so exciting to do Freshers' week again, this time going to events to see old friends, rather than standing awkwardly at a dozen different 'give it a go' sessions. 

This year will be different. I don't even know how different yet, but I do know that I can't count on it to be all that much like my exchange year. 

For starters, I'm a legit student this time. As in, an honest-to-goodness staying-for-three-years and earning-a-degree student. This isn't a year out, where courses transfer as pass/fail. This time, academics need to be top priority.

On top of that, I'm a legit PhD student. I won't be an undergrad moaning about 9:00am lectures, or madly scrambling to finish a reading, or pretending I'm intelligent because I took a quick look at secondary sources. I'll be heading in to my office every morning setting my own schedule, studiously reading everything I can find in my area, and hopefully contributing articles of my own. My MA gave me a taste of real scholarship, but next year will crank that up a notch.

Most importantly, I'm a legit PhD student at St. Andrews. As in, the third oldest university in the English-speaking world. One of the top universities in the world. 600 years old. The alma matter of royalty. An institute of learning that was already well established by the time Shakespeare wrote the plays I study. Last year, I had the privilege of temporarily belonging to that world-- the next three years will tie me forever to the name of St. Andrews. 

To be honest... I'm terrified. Excited, yes. Exhilarated, that too. But, more than anything, I can't believe my dream is coming true, and I'm both excited and scared for what that means. Getting my PhD from St. Andrews will be both the hardest and the best thing I've ever done. And it all starts in three weeks.

Day 34: Study, Panic, and a St. Andrew's Sunset

It happens every term. You’d think I’d be used to it, what with being in fourth year, but it still hits me every time.

The shocking fact: going to university means you actually have to do work.

Revolutionary, ain’t it? It seems like it should be obvious, and it is, really, but sometimes the obvious things are the ones that slip your attention.

Obviously, I knew that coming to study at St. Andrew’s would require a certain amount of, well, studying. But all the hustle-bustle of Fresher’s week and auditions and general craziness made me forget about the actual point of being here.

The end result of my thoughtlessness was that essays that were apparently due far in the future were suddenly not so distant. And trying to learn five hundred Old English words in two weeks is certainly not optimal.

I’m kicking myself now for not working harder in the first few weeks, since it means that I’m currently quite busy, and will potentially get lower marks on certain assignments because I simply don’t have the time to complete them as well as I really should. However, at least I have an excuse—everything else going on in St. Andrew’s distracted me.

The odd thing is that this happens every year, even when I don’t have a million societies to steal my attention. Every year, about two or three weeks in, I suddenly realize that I have an essay coming up that I haven’t even thought about. Or a test in a few days that I haven’t studied for. Or a presentation on a book I haven’t read.

Once the realization hits, I kick into full study mode and get everything done, but there’s always that moment of panic when I find out how “behind” I am. And, at this point in my academic career, there’s the frustration when I recognize that I still haven’t fixed my study habits in order to combat the week-two-shock.

I suppose there’s not much hope for me, considering that this is the last autumn I’ll spend as an undergraduate student. Maybe things will get better in grad school? We’ll see… For now, though, all I can do is to make the best of the situation and tell myself that even if my marks aren’t as good as they really should be, going to St. Andrew’s was still worth it.

After all, even studying is tolerable when my break involves a walk along this beach:

Castle Sands at Sunset

The Cathedral and graveyard

PURPLE CLOUDS (slightly edited, yes. But they were definitely close to this colour!)

The pier 

Fishing boats. And lobster traps. And people ask me if St. Andrew's is very different from home... :P

Having the ocean here means so much to me.  It's amazing how much I love it, how just walking by it and watching the waves thunder along for a minute makes me feel so much calmer. Coming to the sea is like coming home. 

View up towards the castle

From the end of the pier looking up towards town

The waves were really crashing against the rocks

Tip of the pier

Reflections at East Sands

And there was even a heron who posed obligingly 

The Castle at sunset
(the upload made this picture look pixelated... sorry...)

Two Days Left

Apparently I’m leaving in two days.

Two days.

In 48 hours I’ll be on a plane over the Atlantic ocean, and in 72 hours I should have arrived in the town that’ll be my home for the next year.

That’s not terrifying at all…

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, and scared, and just really didn’t want to go. Sometimes I think I’d give anything to just get to stay here with my family and my friends and the country that I’ve always called home. But then I realize that no one is forcing me to go, that I could just drop out of the exchange and go back to King’s or UPEI or just sit in my room and read…

But I’m not doing that. That’s not an option. Because no matter how terrifying it is to leave my country, it’s still something I’ve dreamed of doing all my life. It’s an adventure, and there is absolutely no way I could ever back out.

So, really, I’m not terrified. Pre-departure jitters, sure, that sometimes end up feeling a bit like real fear. But they’re not, because I know everything will be alright, and I know I’ll have a fantastic time, and, as much as I love everything here, I really won’t miss it all that much when I’m gone.

Last night, to try and get myself in the mood, I looked through the catalogue of Fresher’s Week (orientation week) events for St. Andrew’s and picked out the ones I’m interested in attending. There’s everything from choosing courses to fireworks to drama workshops to pub nights… So much to do, and I have absolutely no idea how I’ll have the energy for it all, but it sure sounds fantastic.

Everything else is pretty much set. I have housing, and flights, and funding, and all the big important things are taken care of. Of course, once I get to St. Andrew’s I have to set up a bank account and get a phone and order my coursebooks and all that kind of thing, but for now there’s nothing more I can do.

Now is the calm before the storm. Two last days of PEI before my world changes forever…

That might just be a little overly dramatic. But I am a writer—dramatic is what I do. And right now nothing looms larger in my mind than Monday morning…