Day 240: Endings

To employ an overly bookish metaphor: a chapter of my life is coming to a close. However, instead of quickly moving on to a new chapter, I feel like the page is being curled over slowly, leaving me waiting half way between chapters.

I hadn’t realized how many half-endings there would be here. A year ago I completed my last classes and exams at King’s, which was certainly bitter sweet. This year, it’s my entire undergraduate career that’s over. Two weeks ago I dropped off my last essay. A week was my last official performance in St. Andrew’s. Last week was the last CU meeting. Yesterday was my last class. In three weeks it’s my last exam. In a month I leave St. Andrew’s.

The problem with all these endings is that they’re constantly negated by other events. After handing in my last essays, I still had another presentation. After the last CU meeting, we still had a ball and a BBQ. After my official last show, I’m still doing two more Gilbert and Sullivan performances. After my last exams, I’ll already be thinking about my MA. After leaving St. Andrew’s, I’ll be returning at least two or three times during the summer.

It’s hard to say goodbye when there are so many endings. There’s no definitive moment when I can hug everyone and cry and really let go of this town and my life as an undergraduate. Everything sort of flows together in an unending stream of last times. I’m never really sure when something really is the last time and when it’s just a sort of rehearsal for the real goodbye.

And that’s okay. If there was some sort of big moment when everything was done and I had to give up this year and switch into my life next year, that would only make things so much harder. It’s easier this way, to give things up slowly and to ease into all the exciting things happening next year.

Right now it’s looking like I might not fly back to Canada until September 1^st, the day before my MA orientation. Maybe it’s a stupid idea to start my time back ‘home’ with a bad case of jetlag (although apparently it’s not as bad going east to west as west to east) but I want to stay here as long as possible. Plus, there’s a sort of poetic justice in returning to Canada on September 1^st, since last fall I left on September 2^nd. It would be a lovely way to round out a year of travel.

I don’t want to leave this town, this country, this life. But, at the same time, I’m so very excited for next year. I’m excited to start my MA and work on a thesis. I’m excited to live with a family again. I’m excited to act in Marlow’s Doctor Faustus. I’m excited to see my country again, and to finally see my family. As much as I’m sad to leave this chapter of my life behind, I’m definitely looking forward to the next one. 

Explore Day 35

Day 35. Explore is over.

The past week has been ridiculously busy, which is why I haven’t managed to blog. There’s so much I wanted to talk about, but what with four final exams in the past three days, I had to do a ton of studying. Fortunately, though, it paid off, as I think most of my exams went well.

Once more, the end of exams is bitter sweet. It’s lovely to feel the stress evaporating, and to know that it really doesn’t matter anymore how to conjugate pouvoir in the imparfait, but it also means that Explore is done, and now comes the time for goodbyes. One of my best friends left this afternoon already, and I leave tomorrow at 6am, with almost 1000km of driving ahead of me. Luckily one of my friends is driving with me for most of the way, so I’ll have someone to talk to and keep me awake. :)

The past week—other than the stress of exams—has been fantastic. I’ll write another post sometime about everything I did last weekend, because I have some pretty gorgeous photos to share, but the week itself involved a lot of drinking tea with friends and rambling around Old Quebec. On Monday we went for crepes, which were delicious, then wandered around the city taking pictures. Tuesday I finally saw Star Trek (in IMAX. Starring Benedict Cumberbatch. Jealous yet?), Wednesday I studied, and yesterday was the big ending spectacle, a sort of wrap-up talent show and awards presentation.

In the end, Explore was a fantastic experience. I’ll admit that there were times near the beginning when I wanted to go home, when I hated Laval, and Quebec City, and learning French. But as I made new friends and explored the city and worked hard at my classes, everything began to fall into place. The past few weeks have been incredible.

At the same time, though, I think I’m ready to go home. As much as I’m sad that Explore’s over, I wouldn’t want to stay much longer. I want PEI, and my family and friends there, and my church, and my house, and Charlottetown, where everyone speaks English.

Still, I will miss it here. I won’t just miss my friends and the beautiful Old City; I’ll also miss my little res room, and the ugly Laval campus, and French grammar at 8:30 am. I’ll miss makeshift cooking in the decrepit old kitchens, or hanging my clean laundry all around my tiny room because I didn’t want to pay for the dryer. All the funny, annoying little things… those are the memories I’ll take with me.

Maybe when I get home I’ll write a wrap-up post about the benefits of Explore…etc… but right now my brain is just worn out. Too much French, too much fun… and too much left to do.

[Note: I’m posting this immediately after writing it, which means it hasn’t been edited. Errors are therefore to be expected.]